my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
