i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
