sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
