What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
