We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
