This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
