I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
