I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
