Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
