Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
