I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
