try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i wish my penis had a tongue
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
