just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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