I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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