Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
