When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
