Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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