now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
