WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
