he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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