and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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