Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
