his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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