why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
