i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
