I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
