I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
