I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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