I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
