I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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