and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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