omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
