I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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