got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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