I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
