I accidentally had phone sex last night
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
