seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
