Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
