wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
