I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
