Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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