The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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