Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
