I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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