Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
