Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
