I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
