my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
