so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
