he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
